im so normal about pal and cam

[rarsneezes]

nona the ninth spoilers

 
ft: that moment on the beach where things go wrong, shortly before cam starts breaking out in blood sweat, etc,

It was good. It was good. We were happy.


--------------

Pal?

Cam?

A flash of beauty, perfect synergy. Of warmth of brightness of together, together, together. You can speak to each other, in the span of seconds, the span of thoughts, a whole conversation in real time instead of a tape recorder played back or letters written at least twenty minutes apart.

He is more than just words on a page, your voice with his syntax played back from the recorder. She is more than just you staring at her hands that you are moving, a face in the mirror that wears your expression.

It’s beautiful. It’s wonderful. You’re so so so happy.

But.

A flash of cold, of perfect understanding.

You can’t do this forever. You can’t even do this for another minute. You shouldn’t have even done this at all.

You’re killing her. You’re killing him. You’re killing her. You’re killing him.

But for the first time in—so long, so long, you’re together.

You’re together.

To be apart again—you don’t want to imagine it. Living like this is better than not living at the same time at all, but... You can’t even hold each other’s hands. Can’t even look at each other. Can’t share a look, a knowing, of an upturned lip, a raised eyebrow. You still can’t do that, not like this, but... But at least like this, you exist concurrently with each other, instead of taking turns. At least like this—

Your heart hiccups, sickness washing over her body in terrible waves.

This has to stop.

He lets go, but she wishes he wouldn’t.